Only Love
by DiaryOfLacey
Summary: Christina has a secret she didn't tell Bobby before he left on the last fatal trip of the Andrea Gail. Can she deal with her grief?


_"No goodbyes. There's only love, Christina. Only love."_

Christina sat on the bed of the apartment she had been supposed to share with Bobby, her hand on her stomach. The search for the Andrea Gail had been given up. He was never coming home. And he would never get to see his baby. Yes, she was pregnant. She had been going to tell him before he left for this final fishing trip, but he'd been so excited about going she hadn't wanted to spoil it for him. So she had decided to tell him when he got back home, when he had the money they would need. But now he would never be returning from the ocean, he wouldn't rush into her arms when she greeted him on the dock. She would never get to see his face light up with joy when she told him she was going to have a baby. What would the baby look like? Would he or she look like Bobby? Would it laugh that same enchanting laugh Bobby had? Maybe it would have his beautiful eyes. She had already decided on a name, Andrea Gail if it was a girl, and Bobby Jr. if it was a boy. Either way, the name would honor the man who would never see his child in this world. Christina began to cry again, wishing Bobby would walk in the door, calling her name, holding his arms out for her to run into. The only time that happened now was in her dreams, and Bobby always disappeared before she could reach him. She'd ask him where he had been, but he never replied, just always smiled. She took it as a sign that he was happy.

But it was so hard, with no grave to visit, no headstone to lay flowers on, just the damn ocean that lapped at the coastline every morning as she looked out the window of the apartment. Bobby, her Bobby, was out there somwhere, his final resting place at the bottom of the dark ocean. The plaque in the church made no difference. There was no place she could take their child one day and say "This is your daddy's grave." All she would be able to do would be to point out over the calm blue horizon and say "He's out there somewhere." Some nights she dreamed she was on the boat with Bobby, and that she gave birth to their baby in the middle of the storm. She and Bobby always played with the baby, blissful, until an enormous wave flipped the ship and drowned her, Bobby, and the baby. When she awoke, sweaty and shaking, she always expected Bobby to roll over at her side, hug her to him, and reassure that everything would be alright. But he was never there. It was always her, and the empty side of the bed, and his shirt, the one he'd stripped off before taking a shower the morning he left, spread out over the pillow. Tears began to slip down her face, thinking how hopeless Bobby must have felt out there on that ship with Billy and the guys, looking at the enormous wave barreling straight for them and realizing there would be no way they could make it out of this alive. With the heaviness settling on her chest, Christina closed her eyes and she began to pray.

"God, if you can hear me right now, please give me the strength to get through this, to have a healthy baby for Bobby, make this baby just like him. Give me the strength to tell him or her about their daddy when they start asking questions. Help me to make it through the rest of my life without my soulmate by my side. But most of all, God, if there's any way you can find Bobby up there in Heaven, how about let him know I love him, and tell him about our baby. He's probably the one trying to figure out how he can fish from Heaven. And God, keep watch over the rest of the long-liners out there, protect them from what Bobby and the boys went through, protect their families from having to deal with the pain I've had to go through. Keep the fishermen of this world safe. Amen."

Opening her eyes again, she again pressed her hands to her stomach, feeling a flutter from the baby. Her eyes again returned to the calm ocean outside her window, imagining Bobby and Billy and Bugsy and Sully and Murph and Alfred on that boat, on that damned boat they all loved. Had they seen the dawn break? Had the light peeking over the water given them hope? That made her tear up again. If they had seen the sun come up and started thinking they could make it, how hard it must have hit them when they saw the wave and realized there was no way they could get back to their families. _God damn you, Billy Tyne_!, she thought, _you took Bobby out there with you, took all those boys with you, all because you wanted to get back your glory!_ She knew she shouldn't be, that it wasn't his fault, but since news of the search being called off had been given, she had been thinking a lot that it was Billy's fault they were all dead. He had been the one to get them to go with him, he had pushed farther out than their normal fishing grounds, he had been the one wanting the money and the glory he would get from a big catch, he had steered them straight into the middle of the storm. Bobby had just gone because he loved to fish, because he loved the ocean and being on the sea. All the emotions she was feeling roiled in her stomach until Christina had to run to the bathroom. She threw up, letting all her fear and anger and sadness out as she got sick. When she managed to get herself together, she sat down on the floor, wiping the sweat off her forehead with one hand as she began to cry again, Bobby's voice filling her head.

_Remember, Christina, I'll always love you. I loved you the moment I saw you, I love you now, and I love you forever. There's no goodbyes, there's only love, Christina. Only love._


End file.
